finally

so i finally rememeber the password for this stupid thing.

1st i am going to vent/complain because i am mad and frustrated.

i want to go to prom plain and simple and its not going to happen..
i want to go to college and that problem isn't going to happen either
and lastly i want to school to be over!

but with that last statement i feel highly nervous... it brings emotions that i didn't know that i had fear that i didn't know were possible and possibilities that are endless.. i have a little more until i GRADUATE!. i am done. done waking up to go to school on a seemingly scheduled day. 5 classes all 72 minutes with a 30 minute lunch period and 5 minutes between to change classes.. sometimes 7. i won't have that anymore.. but morely i won't see the same kids i have seen almost everyday for my whole life.. and knowing that when i leave school i won't coming back.. i think that you "grow up" in high school. maybe not to who you will be for the rest of your life. but it gets you on a path.. and to know that i am leaving the place where that happens seems weird... i am leaving teachers who have watched me cry and puch me to succeed. I guess ultimatly it builds up to that 15 seconds. fromt eh time they call your name and you walk across the stage (hoping not to trip) shake someones hand and walk off. it all builds to that. all the late night of studying.. endless hours of homework... all for what 15 seconds that changes everything... weird to think.

werid to think of the friends i have. who more than likely i won't ever see again or talk to.. just all very werid.



i'm done thinking..

I LOVE BEING LEFT OUT

i love being left out of things.

who would want to be in a picture with their "family" when they can be in a picture by themselves.

the only person this confused was me.

today was....

so today i had a bowling tournament in columbus... it s the biggest varsity bowling tournament in the NATION and the only thing that i got out of it was that we may quite possibly be the worse the team in the NATION... we did in place we left before we could even find out, that is how bad we are.. so i got to sit on the bus home with 3 girls :) and 8 sinky boy who kept farting.. NASTY. anyhow today was bad.. now i am at robyns because i know if i go home i am going to get yelled at for bowling poorly.

UGH can i just say that!

It's been awhile

So the last week has been a complete downer. I think we all feel that way. Its been really rough. I went to kaitlyn visitation on tuesday. Everything was ok till i got up to see her. and as we all know i cried like jacky. Its so hard. I didn't even know her. But she is my age. So it effects me. It brought back everything that i went through with ben. Which was awful. ok i am not going to talk to much about it. i will just get sad again.

Last night was ok. I went out with kayla before choir. it was fun. choir was good.

today is going to be awful. I have my pictures for church. which is a whole story in itself. I don't want to get my picture taken alone. and robyn won't let me in theres. (yes i am crying like jacky right now) i hate it. its supposed to be a family picture. and i consider them my family. and to have to get the directory and not be in the picture makes me feel awful. i guess it doesn't make them feel bad cause they have people to get it taken with. i don't know how to make them understand. i hate her for and she knows it.. so i guess we just go on from there.

I didn;t go to school today.. as we all know it rained bad last night. i am terrified of thunderstorms. so i sat up most of the night crying.. becasue i was scared. and then we i woke up this morning i was dizzy and about to puke. which are side effects of my medicine for dizziness. makes sense right.. the medicine to make my dizziness go away makes me dizzy.. LOL

i go to the cardiologist on tuesday. should be interesting... this is what i habe since i don't know how to explain it.

Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD)
The septum is a wall that separates the heart's left and right sides. Septal defects are sometimes called a "hole" in the heart. A defect between the heart's two lower chambers (the ventricles) is called a ventricular septal defect (VSD).
When there is a large opening between the ventricles, a large amount of oxygen-rich (red) blood from the heart's left side is forced through the defect into the right side. Then it's pumped back to the lungs, even though it's already been refreshed with oxygen. This is inefficient, because already-oxygenated blood displaces blood that needs oxygen. This means the heart, which must pump more blood, may enlarge from the added work. High blood pressure may occur in the lungs' blood vessels because more blood is there. Over time, this increased pulmonary hypertension may permanently damage the blood vessel walls.

sounds fun huh... LOL...

ok well i am going to finish watching the notebook. then taking a shower so i can get ready for stupid pictures! UGH!

i love this picture.. A.D.D. i know

End of summer.

Recaping this summer.

Very Fun! to say they least. it had its ups and downs. but def. more ups. Its very hard for me to realize that i am going to bed a SENIOR. To be honest i have a lot of different feelings towards this coming year. I am excited that i am done with school. Kinda. i am looking forward to football games and dances and other things that the year brings. But i am also very scared. It means that it is my last year of school. and i am not a kid anymore. I have always looked forward to being an adult. you get more freedoms. you are on your own. And thats exactly what is scaring me. You are on your own. no one else is going to be there. and the actions and decisions you make now with change and shape your future. I have always loved the idea of going to college, meeting new people and just becoming an adult. and have lots of fun. and i know it will be. but i have decided that college is one of the most frightening words i have heard in awhile. it means so much more than school. it means growing up. and growing up entitles, getting married. have kids. getting a job. College is just the start. it starts everything. I never looked at it this way just until recently. And as much as when your a kid you want to be an adult. i am thinking now that as soon as i am going to be an adult. i want to just be a kid.

I now regret not getting involved. and being more social. and working harder. Because I was lazy and not out going enough. And i wish i would have done those things. Don't get my wrong i love the life and the friends i have i just think it would have been so much more full if i would have just tried.

A.D.D.

back to the top.

CAMP WAS AMAZING AS USUAL. I EVEN CRIED THIS YEAR. I LOVE IT. INDESCRIBABLE.

CIY. JUST SOMETHING I KNOW I NEED EVERY YEAR.. I LOVE IT

VBS. ALWAYS FUN.

SUMMER OF 2007 WAS FANTASTIC. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN. OR AT LEAST I THINK SO.

BUNCH BED. NIGHT

My soap box.....

"And dont ever complain

about growing old,

so many people never

get the chance"

I got that from em. And i think that it speaks alot of truth... I have been thinking alot lately... I know its weird. But as we all get older i find that we are all going in different directions. And its not easy. And at certain points in our lives we all will or have gone through something that changes us. And shapes us into the people that we become...

I am learning the hard way that life just isn't fair...

This is the way i am starting to see things... I have had this plan in my head. Ever since i was little. It was grow up and go to college and make alot of money and get married and have kids. But i am now understanding that things just aren;t that easy. And in all honesty it probably won't happen anything like my plan.

read this: it applies to more than she just says
"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

i know that this is a.d.d. But i can't stop thinking about the car crash yesterday. No i didn't know him but it affected me. And it bring back to many bad memories of when ben died. I NEVER talk about it. it's just to hard. becasue to be honest i still don't fully accept it... i don't think i ever will. I want to but i just can't i know that he is in a better place but i just can't accept it... loosing ben changed me alot... and i mean alot... it made me shut down a part of myself.. a part of me that was the adventurous and daring person. It made me become over protective.. and worried all the time.. its hard to think that i won't ever see him again...

this point to all of my rambling is... that i know that as we all grow older we are all going to go different ways.. and even though at some point s we all may not like one another we all need to be there for one another.. .wether we like it or not. we shouldn't ever leave angry at one another...becasue we are not promised tom. and i just don't want anything bad to happen to any of you all becasue i love you all very much... its always been us 5.. and i want it to be like that forever!..

ok i think i am done for now... LOL

WOW

Ok so i know i never get on this thing.. OH well...

OK so i am FINALLY out of school it hasn't really hit me yet.. it just doesn't seem like summer vacation.. i am to busy with camp stuff to know its summer. LOL.. I am not really going to miss anything about school other seeing everyone.. Mrs. Gorman is great, i am going to miss her. LOL i got a picture with her but the idiot girl didn't know what she was doing so its kinda blurry.. i think everyone should have to take picture taking classes LOL...

i am VERY VERY VERY dizzy.. i threw up 7 times at ki last night.. it was pretty and NO i didn't make it to the bathroom.. i felt bad for shannon.. nothing like waching you best friend toss her cookies un the racer.. LOL..

i am still dizzy i think i am going to the doctor.. i may have an ear infection. UGH... and that would mean anti-biotics at camp GREAT that would mean i have to see that idiot nurse every day GRRRREAT! LOL

i am going to sleep.. TTYL

5 day TILL CAMP.. bunch excited.